On Thursday, at the doctor’s office, the optometrist was doing a special test on me to see how well I could use both eyes. Ironically, his radio was playing the song In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. I could not help but pick up on how ironic it was to hear a song about looking into someone’s eyes to find solace in love while I was obviously unable to keep my vision steady, seeing the red dots move around the screen while wearing the plastic red and blue spectacles.

Here are my notations to the lyrics to this gorgeous song that has always touched me deeply.

Accepting all I’ve done and said
I want to stand and stare again
Til there’s nothing left out, oh
It remains there in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes
I will hear your silent call
I will touch this tender wall
Til I know I’m home again
Ooh

I spend all my time at the doctor’s office staring at things. My brain makes the things come and go. How I can I come home again with my eyes? I am on a journey and am in constant flux. The walls are tender alright, they are vibrating!!!

In your eyes (in your eyes) (Repeated)

Love I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

Do I get lost? Oh do I ever! I sometimes turn on the cold water instead of the hot water. I see things I never saw before. I am lost in my own mind as I struggle to make sense of my new world that I sometimes see in duplicate. Do I want to run away in my car? Heavens no! I am monocular and have limited depth perception! I hate driving. Whichever way I go, I come back to myself, in need of stability.

And all my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

My instincts of wonder are always present. I see that life is a grand facade because all of its parts are moving. What is real? Why does my orange look different and more distinct than it did yesterday? It’s still the same orange.

Pride? I sometimes am in tears remembering being the girl in the retarded preschool or being made fun of for wearing Coke bottle glasses. What pride? Sometimes I have none. I reach out from the inside grasping for the new me, seeking security and stability in my new reality, but still sad for my past.
In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway (in your eyes) to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution (in your eyes) of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes

Yes! I want to be complete! And no matter what happens with this therapy, I want to be complete the way I am. The doorway to the light, to my heart is within me, not through my eyes or anyone else’s. The heat is within me. The resolution to all my fruitless searches is my personal love for myself.

In your eyes
In your eyes

Love, I don’t like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

The pain I’ve carried for all these years, please slip away. I want freedom from the pain and suffering from my complex of being cross eyed. I get so tired working for my own survival and self love. I look to the time to be happy.

I want to stand and stare again
Oh, it’s in your eyes.

It’s not in my eyes. It’s in my head.

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