On Sunday, my friend Elisa came over for dinner and I was telling her about I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life now and am not sure of the roads in front of me. All I know is that my chartered paths behind me must stay behind. I can’t be the person I was before because I simply don’t have the energy to be as social as before. Since I work as a substitute teacher, it’s getting harder and harder to be around noisy kids because my vision therapy work is making me so much more sensitive to noise and other sensory inputs.
I also told her that I’ve been resisting the temptation to call certain people who will most likely complain to me about their lives or ask me for help. I simply don’t have the mental bandwith to be “dial-a-shrink”. I also realize that I don’t want to do deal with other people’s problems. I have enough of my own now that I see the walls vibrating and have sudden onsets of fatigue.
I was tempted several times this week and last to send some articles or information to two former romantic interests of mine. Then thought a bit and realized that I had no interest in initiating communication. What would I get out of it? Listening to their life travails about what to do with themselves (both are in the midst of re-examining life)? No way! I have enough of my own disorientation to deal with those of people who are not around for me when I need help or companionship. (Obviously for established friends, I am happy to help. But I am not taking on new “cases” especially from men who have been either emotionally or geographically unavailable for me. That’s what psychologists are for.)
It seemed selfish to say what I had to say, but I realized I wasn’t being selfish. I was being smart. I needed to focus on myself.
“So your vision therapy is literally giving you a clearer perspective on your life,” Elisa said.
Yes indeed. As more and more things come into my visual field, I am examining my life and seeing what it is that I want to keep in my horizon and what must go. Unnecessary communication and “blah, blah, blah” are out the window.