On Sunday, my friend Elisa came over for dinner and I was telling her about I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life now and am not sure of the roads in front of me. All I know is that my chartered paths behind me must stay behind.  I can’t be the person I was before because I simply don’t have the energy to be as social as before. Since I work as a substitute teacher, it’s getting harder and harder to be around noisy kids because my vision therapy work is making me so much more sensitive to noise and other sensory inputs.

I also told her that I’ve been resisting the temptation to call certain people who will most likely complain to me about their lives or ask me for help. I simply don’t have the mental bandwith to be “dial-a-shrink”. I also realize that I don’t want to do deal with other people’s problems. I have enough of my own now that I see the walls vibrating and have sudden onsets of fatigue.

I was tempted several times this week and last to send some articles or information to two former romantic interests of mine. Then thought a bit and realized that I had no interest in initiating communication. What would I get out of it? Listening to their life travails about what to do with themselves (both are in the midst of re-examining life)? No way! I have enough of my own disorientation to deal with those of people who are not around for me when I need help or companionship. (Obviously for established friends, I am happy to help. But I am not taking on new “cases” especially from men who have been either emotionally or geographically unavailable for me. That’s what psychologists are for.)

It seemed selfish to say what I had to say, but I realized I wasn’t being selfish. I was being smart. I needed to focus on myself.

“So your vision therapy is literally giving you a clearer perspective on your life,” Elisa said.

Yes indeed. As more and more things come into my visual field, I am examining my life and seeing what it is that I want to keep in my horizon and what must go. Unnecessary communication and “blah, blah, blah” are out the window.

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3 responses »

  1. Anastasia says:

    Hey there, Princess,

    Love the in-“sight” found here. I am excited that you are re-wiring your brain because a book I just finished is right up your alley. It’s called “Mingsight,” by the brillaint Dr. Daniel Siegel (www.dansiegel.com). in his book, he uses cases studies from his actual client base to show how our brain PHYSICALLY GROWS in childhood–or doesn’t, depending upon how you were nurtured. Or not nurtured. It’s fascintating and right in league with the therapy and exercises you are doing to change your vision.

    When I was a 37-year-old single mom of two young boys, I lost my vision completely. Within minutes, a rare autoimmune disorder took me from 20/20 vision to nothing at all. Originally, doctors at STanford predicted I would lose everything within a year. Today, I am NLP on my left eye–BUT I have vision in my right eye that fluctuates between 20/70 and 2200. I truly believe the work I’ve done with my brain and my thinking has helped improve my vision.

    So you hang in there. We’re all rootin’ for you!

  2. Anastasia says:

    Ha ha! I’m back. I was so busy talking about myself I forgot a key point in my last comment post. So here I go…

    Trite as this is going to sound, losing my vision was the first step in truly seeing my life. Not only where it was, but where I wanted to go. And it gave me the clarity (once I was over the rage) to put my priorities and values in order.

    It takes a tremendous amount of physical and mental energy to do the kind of vision therapy you are doing. Only a few of my friends really understood when I was too exhausted to lend a good listening ear, to meet for lunch, or even a simple cup of coffee. I learned to rely on those friends who DID unerstand…understand, for example, the test of dressing so you look at least somewhat put together, getting out of your house, crossing a threshold into a restaurant or coffee house that is unfamiliar. I mean–that stuff is paralyzing scary to me. And scary ultimately equals drained.

    when I was doing intense mental work to restore at least partial vision, I found it to be a time for me to lovingly, kindly explain to all my friends that my focus had to be on my sight, not on them. There were those who got huffy and “fired” me. As much as it hurt at the time, I was relieved to know who was really in my corner. I was relieved that i no longer had to be a shoulder to my friends when I had barely a shoulder for myself.

    Sounds cold, but it’s a time for a certain amount of brutality. When you are through this, THEN you can be of help to others.

    You are handling this situation with wisdom and a curious eye. No pun intended. It sounds like you are doing great. And Elisa is willing… then she’s about the best friend you could have right now. She sounds blessedly intuitive and compassionate.

    • Hello! Thanks for your support. I sent your comment to my friend Elisa. Unfortunately, the day after writing the blog and getting your comment, a friend refused to help me in a moment of my dire need for his ridiculously selfish reasons. And I indeed had to fire him. It was and still is painful, but I am clearing my vision of people who are not supporting me.

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