San Francisco-St Louis flight 8 May 2010

In the absence of distractions other than the ocean movie, my book, my writing commitments and IPod, I listen to Russian romances on my computer and think about my life.

In the optometrist’s office yesterday, Dr K again told me that I am giving varying responses, sometimes the correct ones and sometimes the incorrect ones. I have two correct answers (one of the place where my eyes used to see and the other of the new place where they should be aligned). I vacillate all the time between Point A and Point B.

9 May 2010

I wonder if my vacillating between the right place for my eyes and the wrong place is correlated to my own life. I know I shouldn’t be getting attached to a traveling Brazilian who says he can’t commit to a relationship but I let myself get close to him again even though I knew it wasn’t a wise idea. It’s like I know what my eyes should be seeing and sometimes I see it and sometimes I don’t. Could putting my foot down and saying no to the traveling and poorly communicative brasileiro at all effect my stability in life and perhaps the stabilization of my vision?

I used to be like the Brazilian, traveling all the time and not always super available to be in a relationship, at times too tired to email or call when traveling for work. (I was never as bad as he is though:)) But I am not that person anymore, nor do I want to be. Because of the therapy, I can’t travel that much and I crave stability.

I want to stabilize to the right place I should be seeing and not to the old (incorrect) place. My goal is to develop depth perception and to be in a stable long term relationship with an available man. Can I get to depth and stability if I consciously go between incorrect and correct ways of being? Perhaps “correct” isn’t the right word for my way of being, but I mean to say that I could take steps that would be more conducive to getting on the road to what I want.

My vision therapy is more like brain therapy rather than eye therapy because all the changes are happening in my brain, not it my eyes. so the idea that a change in my thinking about my life could effect my vision is not such a far cry from reality. Once my brain accepts Point B as my new way of seeing the world, then I am advancing with my therapy. But if have one foot in the door of Point B, but still feel magnetized to Point A, I am screwing up my therapy. Point A is no longer where I want to be. I dedicated myself to this therapy because I want to be at Point B and all other points that lead to 3D.

Today, I called the Brazilian in Mexico and said I could no longer be involved with him in any way, including as a friend. He represents Point A to me. It’s not his fault. It’s my road and I need to leave Point A. He understood, lamented the loss of our friendship and wished me luck getting to and staying at Point B.

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