I went to see Julia Roberts today in the movie “Eat, Pray, Love” and since I am periodically seeing in double, both she and actor, Javier Bardem, were in duplicate on the big screen. They are both such beauties so it wasn’t too bad to see them with two noses, but it did distract me from the movie.
I listened to both of Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoirs (Eat, Pray, Love and Committed) as audio books. In the former, I remember being particularly moved during the scene in the ashram where she realizes that God resides in her as who she is, not by her attempt to be some super quiet pious meditator. The movie showed this scene as well and got me thinking about how much of myself I’ve had to hold back for the past seven months of binocular vision therapy. Perhaps I am trying to hard to be the dutiful patient but staying in one place and going religiously to the doctor twice a week is counter to who I am: a traveler. In the movie and in the book, the protagonist leaves her husband and gets a divorce. He doesn’t like to travel as much as she does. (There are other reasons they split.) In any case, the marriage isn’t allowing her to be who she wants to be: a free child-free spirit. I feel handcuffed sometimes because of the fatigue, double vision and other side effects from vision therapy and I can’t travel or be social.
In general, I feel stuck. It’s odd because what I am seeking is a new way of seeing the world and what I am experiencing is a feeling of being limited, something a free spirit like me abhors. When I complain about my situation, I don’t want to sound like the complainers who get on my nerves because they shouldn’t be so down on their lives. I am aware that I got myself into this situation. However, I’ve never in my life experienced so many ups and downs with my energy levels and inability to focus for such a long time. There are times when I just let go of my ambition and just say, “Take it day by day”, and then several days I tear up when I see something in double or realize I don’t have the energy to do what I want to do.
I am thinking of taking a break. I am 100% committed to vision therapy and developing 3D vision but I can’t stop being who I am. I will see my optometrist in six days and will ask him if it’s ok for me to take a month or month and a half off so I can do some traveling and get back to feeling like myself. When I come back, I’ll feel refreshed and will be more enthusiastic about the therapy. A French woman I know suggested I take a break a couple weeks ago and I didn’t think of following her advice until now.
Serious vision therapy and the traveling lifestyle do not go together. But I must find a way to reconcile them both in my life. I’ve dedicated the last seven months entirely to my vision, but I haven’t let my eyes adore any new sights in the world. I see the world now through travelogues I read at the gym. I’d rather be traveling myself than reading other people’s stories.
My eyes and brain will still be doing vision exercises while I travel, but my soul and heart will be free again to see the world.