If I look at the underlying issue concerning my frustration with my slow movement towards binocularity is that I am losing my independence, energy and spirit. More than anything, the loss of my sovereignty kills me as I have had to depend on other people to drive me places. I’ve been the solo traveler for years, fiercely guarding her independence. When I hear people complaining about their failed (but still legally binding) marriages or bad boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, I don’t understand why they remain stuck in something that’s broken and doesn’t work. But I observe that being alone scares many people more than anything else, so they stick with their bad relationships out of fear of being on their lonesome. I, on the other hand, usually stay clear of any deep romantic relationships because I don’t want to lose my independence. I actually relish my solitude. However, I’ve had way too much solitude this year as a result of my low energy, inability to be in places with lots of lights, noise and people, and problems with night driving.
I wonder if part of what I need to get over mentally is that I have to give up doing things alone. The whole point of my therapy is to get my brain to accept the images from both of my eyes at the same time and fuse them and not only give me the independent images of both eyes separately. But what bothers me about being dependent on others is that they do things on their own time, not when I want to do it. So I have to wait around until they can drive me. It’s similar to my eyes. When I see in double, I see objects in two different places. My eyes are like me and the person I am waiting for to drive me somewhere, we are not in the same place at the same time when I need to go somewhere.