Around Thanksgiving time, I reveled in my quiet time. I stayed at home and watched movies and met with friends. While talking to a Spanish friend with whom I hadn’t spoken in a long time, I told her that I was letting go of trying to be who I used to be before vision therapy. She said, “you’re preparing now for who you will be after your therapy is over”. She was right. Clinging to the past was not only not serving me, but it was pointless. I am evolving and aging and it’s to be expected that I will change over time. It just happened that this year, as a result of my fatigue, concentration problems and other VT side effects, a lot of change has occurred in a short period of time and at an unexpected frequency.

I’m surrendering myself to the process and am stopping trying to control where I am going and understanding what is going on. Surrendering is not giving up. It’s about giving up control.

I went to see a neurologist a couple of weeks ago because of my language problems. I still encounter problems speaking in English sometimes. When I can’t think of a word in English, I think of a word in another language and then try to replicate it with a word that sounds like it in English. So instead of saying the word “sign” in English, I might remember it first in Russian, “viviska” and then say something like “vivacious” in English. I am conscious when I am saying the phonetic cognate in English that it does not mean what I want to say, but I am stuck. I think this has to do with my vision. My brain is just overloaded with information. The doctor told me that although he’s never had a patient in his short time as a neurologist (he’s young), he said it makes sense that I may have some verbal processing problems because I am overstimulated with information. He said that he sometimes confuses Chinese and Spanish and that there is nothing I can do to really keep my languages straight. He did prescribe Magnessium and Riboflavin supplements. He recommended silence, tai-chi, yoga, meditation, massages and hot baths.

It’s confirmed, silence is golden!


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